coping with grief

I have not posted in over a year.  Instagram has been my go-to for storing memories now but recent events have lead me back to this place where I can best express all my thoughts.


How does one cope with grief?  I lost my dad 2 months ago to what we initially thought was just a battle with pneumonia.  He was hospitalized twice, the second being worse than the first and that is when they discovered he had cancer.  Metastatic cancer of unknown origin, according to the oncologist.  Who knew there was such a thing?  Who knew that cancer can grow inside you, metastasize, and take your life without even giving you a chance to fight for your life?  Do they just say that when they don't have an answer?


I struggle with the thought of not praying hard enough so my dad's life could be spared.  I struggle with the image of him helpless on that hospital bed, tubes and IVs everywhere. Every day, I think, 'Maybe if I just prayed harder.  Maybe if I fasted along with my prayer.  Maybe if sang more songs to Him...'  There's also thinking about the decisions we made as a family.  Did we bring him to the right hospital?  What kind of medical examination would have caught the cancer earlier so he could have had a fighting chance?  Maybe the outcome would be different.  Or maybe it would all be the same.  It sucks that we will never know. 


No, I am not questioning my faith.  I am not questioning God's wisdom.  I know He gives and He takes away. But I wish I had more time with my dad.  Everyday, I wish I had more time.


I have a friend who lost her dad many years ago and to this day, it brings tears to her eyes when she talks about him.  I always wondered why that was the case.  I wondered, were they so close that she misses him everyday?  Or was their  relationship tense and she feels guilt that she was not able to reconcile with her dad?  Being in the same shoes now, it is the former.  I miss him every day and I don't know if I'll ever stop missing him.  He was an AWESOME dad.  He was an AMAZING grandfather.  He was kind, understanding and generous.  And no I'm not just saying these things because he is gone.  That was who he was.  He was not perfect but he was a GOOD MAN. 


I miss him so much.