COVID-19: DAY 43 SHELTER IN PLACE APR 28 2020

Today started out like any of the past 43 mornings, but by afternoon, I have been sucked into loneliness stronger than I have felt since the shelter in place started.  

Don't you try to talk yourself out of what you feel? As if you have no right to feel those feelings.  Sometimes I feel ungrateful for having so much and still feeling like this.  There are billions of people out there who have it far worse than me.  But none of that gives me relief. 

So I went and took my husband's car for a drive to the supermarket.  To simply go 25 miles an hour in that car is a disservice to the engineers that made that car possible.  So after my daughter and I did some grocery shopping, we went out into the freeway just to drive around, at times, I let the car drive itself.  Rules say we can't go past 5 miles from our residence, so I quickly turned around and headed back home where work awaits.

Work.  That's another situation that is making me frustrated nowadays.  I work for nothing.  I sit and listen to complaints from customers and earn nothing.  Zero. Nada. Zip. I don't know how many people would work for free, so I understand my wholesalers when they need to charge a fee for their services. I got so frustrated at one of my customers and blew him off, politely still. Urgh!  It would have felt good to just blow someone off today.  Tell that person to take a hike, that I am not taking any crap from him, especially if I am not being paid for any of their crap.  But of course, I can't.  That's not the real me and that is not who God wants me to be.  Yes, it's a struggle to know God and know what He wants me to do when every fiber of your being just wants to do the wrong thing.  

To let off a little more steam, I cooked Pad Thai and the result is the best tasting pad thai I have ever cooked.  After I cooked, I had knives, pots and pans everywhere and before my mom can nag me about the mess I made, I told her, 'don't tell me about the mess I made because I will clean it up. I will enjoy my food and then clean up.'  She knew I was in a foul mood.  She didn't say anything. 

Now I'm enjoying a glass of wine, which for sure, will be followed by another glass, then maybe sleep will come faster than before and I will wake up and these feelings will just be a distant memory.  

COVID-19: DAY 41 SHELTER IN PLACE APR 26 2020

I have accepted that this is the new normal and I don't want to go back to how it used to be.  Today I feel resigned that this is life and we are facing a future so vastly different from the past.  

I have not been sleeping well.  I slept at 4 am today and woke up at 8.  I'm trying to stay awake and resisting the bed's call for me to take a nap so I distracted myself and made mango sticky rice from scratch.  If it was warm enough, I'd grow the mangoes myself.  I have plenty of time.

On our trip to Chiang Mai, Thailand last year, we took a full day cooking class at an organic farm where we learned to cook 5 different dishes, each person can choose the 5 dishes they would like to learn to cook.  On the top of my list was learning how to cook Pad Thai and Mango Sticky Rice. We were picked up by our local guide at our hotel and taken to the local market where the cooking instructor gave us an introduction to the most common ingredients used in Thai cooking.  Since I grew up in the Philippines, I was familiar with about half of the ingredients she showed, the other half, I was familiar with because I just like to cook.  She asked me, 'Are you a chef?'  My daughter answered for me and said, 'Yes! She is a chef'.  Ok, I'm a chef.  The kid sometimes has more faith in me than I do in myself.  I'll take that title, thank you very much.  

Zabb E Lee Cooking School Chiang Mai

Picking Butterfly Pea Flower Shoots

Learning to cook Pad Thai

The cooking class was a fun and memorable experience.  We learned about ingredients and made curry paste the traditional way, with mortar and pestle.  Even my husband, who really isn't much of a cook, enjoyed the experience and even used the skills he learned to whip up a Thai dish for us a few months ago.  

  

Today, I made Mango Sticky Rice for the first time since our trip. I should have used more butterfly pea flower to make the rice a richer blue/purple color.  I bought the pea flowers during that trip to the market because it was anew ingredient that I have never used before.  I also bought Kafir Lime Leaves but left it it Manila when I  checked customs and realized I cannot bring the leaves to the USA. 

Cooking this today really lifted my spirits.  I do not draw, I only play a little bit of piano and a sprinkle of guitar.  Cooking is my creative outlet, and gives me so much joy when the people I love get to enjoy the dishes I make.

  

COVID-19: DAY 31 SHELTER IN PLACE APR 16 2020

Everyone at home is healthy.  Everyone at home is bored.  But we all know how important it is to stay home and prevent this disease from spreading.  

Easter was very different from what we have been used to.  Our family usually goes on a trip for Easter as it was also Michelle's spring break from school.  But we stayed home this time, attended church online, cooked and baked a cake for our dog, Ash, who was also celebrating his 5th birthday.  He doesn't care about the food.  What he really wanted to do was walk off leash at Fort Funston and dispense all his energy but Fort Funston is closed. All dog parks are closed. 

I'm going to try to be productive today.  Make pie crust, clean the kitchen, go to home depot and get some gardening supplies. 

What books have you read during this lock down?  I started another Jeff Wheeler series.  If you haven't read any of his books and if you are into fantasy (think Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings), I think you will enjoy it.  

COVID-19: DAY 24 SHELTER IN PLACE APR 9 2020

Last night, my little family prayed and talked about Passover.

We are not Jews, but Passover has never felt more important to me than it did last night.  We prayed for the blood of the Lamb to cover our family, for the spirit of sickness and death to pass over our home.  We thanked the Lord for all that we have.  

We told Michelle, she will always be blessed more than she needs and because of that she has to always find a way to be a blessing to other people.  Now, more than ever, as we see families we know who are struggling in this health and economic crisis, and we have to do our part to help.  Together, we will overcome the new challenges we face.  

COVID-19: DAY 21 SHELTER IN PLACE APR 6 2020

I think I finally realized the root of my sadness during this pandemic.  It is not being made to stay home (I like staying home).  It is not about missing the people I love who do not live in the same house as I do.  What truly breaks my heart is seeing posts from people I know, many of them Christians like me, that encourage people to be silent, to 'stop complaining' about the lock down or the lack of preparedness the government has shown throughout this pandemic.  They want people to SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Yup.  I said it.  

"Stop complaining.  Just follow the rules and pray for our leaders.  It is for our own good."  Fuck that shit.  They can easily say that because none of them wake up in the morning and wonder about where their next meal will be coming from.  None of them wake up and go to work and have to decide which of their patients deserve that last ventilator at the hospital.  Their statements come from a place of privilege, totally disconnected from the reality that it is not only the COVID 19 patients who are suffering.  More people will suffer from the lasting mental and economic impact this will have on the world.

I am not saying they don't care.  I know these people have good hearts but what upsets me is that because something does not directly affect them, then they won't advocate for it.  Isn't that completely against what the Bible has called Christians to do?  Isn't that being selfish?  They all hide behind the verse about praying for our leaders, as if you can't pray for your leaders and tell them when they are failing miserably at their jobs.  If nobody tells them they are doing something wrong, then how will they know to do a better job? 

Leader: Do you think I am making the right decision?
Christian: Aaah, I will just pray for you. I will just support you decision, because that is was good Christians do, we like to follow the leader, you know? 
Leader:  You mean, you don't know if what I am doing is right or wrong?
Christian: I know if it is right or wrong.  I went to school and highly educated and I read the Bible from Genesis to Revelation many times throughout my life. I know a lot of things, but I am not going to tell you what I think. It's not important what I think but I should just pray for you and the government.  
Leader: So you can't have an opinion? 
Christian: My opinion is I have to pray for my leaders and not complain.     

Will not God use us?  If enough of us speak up for those who can't speak for themselves, I think the leaders will finally listen.  Sure, prayer is our number 1 weapon.  But it is not our only weapon.  We can see, we can hear, we can feel when something is wrong.  We can't just sit around as if the only action we can take is to pray.  Again I am not making light of the power of prayer but is not the only weapon in the artillery.  God has called us to love others as we love ourselves, so if we advocate for ourselves, shouldn't we advocate for others?

COVID-19: DAY 19 SHELTER IN PLACE APR 4 2020

I am feeling much better today!  Whew!  I was worried that I will slide down the slippery slope of sadness.  After I cried to my husband last night and told him my fears and frustrations, I felt better.  Thank the Lord for my husband!  Also, he did not work today, so I was able to spend time with him. We even ran errands together!  Running errands feel like date night now.  Oh how times have changed!  We wanted to go for a nice drive but the weather wasn't really cooperating so we decided to just head home after our exciting trip to the post office and to my cousins house for some extra gloves.  

When Michelle and I went to the market on Thursday, we had a list on hand to buy the things we needed for the house.  I really wanted to cook our favorite Peruvian dish, Pescado alo Macho.  Its fried Branzino with a seafood cream sauce and we always order this at the local Peruvian restaurant not far from our home.  I have never seen Branzino at the Asian market so I was to replace it with Baramundi, also from the sea bass family.  As I was walking along the fresh fish section, the Branzino caught my eye!  I should have bought more of this fish since this is a family favorite.  But I don't want to buy more than I need (no hoarding!) so I just bought 2 of the fish.  It was a big hit for the family and already shared the recipe with my cousins and friends.    

Pescado alo Macho Recipe:

2 Whole Branzino, cleaned, salted to taste, dust it with a little flour, deep fry

Sauce:

Half a pound of Mussels (half shell) 

1 pound of Clams

Half a pound of Shrimp

1/3 cup of water

1/4 cup Cream

2 ounces dry white wine

Onions, chopped

Garlic, minced

Bell peppers, diced

1/3 cup frozen peas

2 tablespoons of olive oil

Salt and pepper to taste

Directions:

Heat your oil in a pan, saute your onions until translucent about 3 minutes.  Add the garlic, clams, mussels, shrimp and water.  Cover and bring it to a simmer.   Clamshell will open once cooked.  Stir and add the wine, bell peppers and green peas and simmer for 3 minutes.  Add salt and pepper to taste.  

Plate your fried fish and pour your sauce over the fish.  Best eaten with white rice.  Enjoy!

COVID-19: DAY 18 SHELTER IN PLACE APR 3 2020

The first thing I saw this morning was an article shared to me by my best friend.  It was an article about a particular Chinese restaurant at Davis, the one I frequented when I was in college.  Ding How.

I would eat here at least once a week, usually on Fridays with my dad, who picked me up to go home to the Bay Area on weekends.  My dad loved how a big platter of food with chow mein, fried rice, an egg roll, and your main dish was only $7.  You have soup before your meal and fruit afterwards, too.  We would each order a lunch special and have food left over to take home to mom.  Ding how had the best hot and sour soup and Fisherman's soup.  I loved their prawns in lobster sauce and their 'happy family'.  I remember during my freshman year while I lived in the dorms, I would ride my bike and order a whole roasted chicken with the sauce on the side and I will eat that whole chicken all week, reheating it in my dorm room microwave.  

My best friends also learned to love this place throughout my 4 years at UC Davis.  We would have dinner here whenever they dropped me off on Sunday nights.  The food was consistently good and inexpensive.  Perfect for broke college students like us. Even after college, I would bring my husband and daughter here, a dinner stop after snowboarding in Tahoe.  

Like a COVID-19 patient on life support, Ding How is also struggling to survive. This disease has wrecked lives and livelihoods.  I pray that they will find a way to stay open and continue to serve the community for many more years.  I pray this not only for Ding How, but all the small businesses that do the best they can to serve their communities.

Today I cried to my husband, all the pent up sadness and frustration I have been feeling these past several weeks.  The mind and heart is more fragile than the rest of the body.  While my body has stayed strong, I am struggling with emotions that have been hard to shake off.  I am hardly working, there is not enough work.  I have two employees in Manila and one here in California.  The employee in California, I have laid off for now.  She will be receiving unemployment and has her family to provide for her needs.  But my Manila team, they are the only ones in their family currently working.  If I lay them off, there will no longer be a source of income for their families.  So instead of me doing the work, I have them do it.  The unemployment checks I receive, I will use to pay for their wage.  I am thankful the Lord has blessed my husband's career and he is able to provide for our family, even if our business is not able to earn at the moment.    

The situation in the Philippines has left me heart broken.  A third world country, desperately trying to ward off this hideous, microscopic enemy.  The poorest of people have no means of earning a living will the whole metropolis on lockdown.  Cities and towns in provinces across the country have a similar ordinance in place as well.  Local governments have given out food rations:  5 kilograms of rice, 2 cans of sardines, 2 packs of instant ramen, a small bottle of hand sanitizer.  How can a family survive on these rations?  There are news of families getting between P5,000 and P8,000, but it varies depending on where you live.  Because of this variation, I am 100% sure, without a doubt, local politicians will line their pockets with the money that was supposed to go to the public.  Why can't the government announce that each family gets X amount of food rations every X number of days, and each family gets X amount in cash.  Then say, 'If you get any less than this, your local government is robbing you of the help you are entitled to receive!' But of course they would never announce anything like that.  Corruption starts from the lowest government position all the way to the very top.  No one is spared.  NO ONE. Isn't it sad that while the people are starving, these greedy m*f* still think about stealing from the people?  

It is true.  You test a person's character with power and money, unfortunately for the Philippines, everyone in government has failed this test.  

COVID-19: Day 17 Shelter in place Apr 2 2020

I didn't realize, being in a home full of people, even the people I love the most, can be so lonely.

It is day 17 of our shelter in place order and today was such a sad day.  It was somewhat productive.  I was able to shop for groceries, exercise a little bit and learn a little bit of German, but I had no will to work on my project.  I just wanted to sit and do nothing.  I felt terrible and felt guilty especially when I see my husband working 12 hour days, his income being the only source of income for our family for now.  But I felt like I needed to just be sad today and let it pass.  I hope it passes very soon.

I don't know how hard other people are taking this situation.  Don't get me wrong, I am not taking everything I have for granted, I know I am blessed beyond measure.  This whole situation is sad. I am sad.