COVID-19: DAY 43 SHELTER IN PLACE APR 28 2020

Today started out like any of the past 43 mornings, but by afternoon, I have been sucked into loneliness stronger than I have felt since the shelter in place started.  

Don't you try to talk yourself out of what you feel? As if you have no right to feel those feelings.  Sometimes I feel ungrateful for having so much and still feeling like this.  There are billions of people out there who have it far worse than me.  But none of that gives me relief. 

So I went and took my husband's car for a drive to the supermarket.  To simply go 25 miles an hour in that car is a disservice to the engineers that made that car possible.  So after my daughter and I did some grocery shopping, we went out into the freeway just to drive around, at times, I let the car drive itself.  Rules say we can't go past 5 miles from our residence, so I quickly turned around and headed back home where work awaits.

Work.  That's another situation that is making me frustrated nowadays.  I work for nothing.  I sit and listen to complaints from customers and earn nothing.  Zero. Nada. Zip. I don't know how many people would work for free, so I understand my wholesalers when they need to charge a fee for their services. I got so frustrated at one of my customers and blew him off, politely still. Urgh!  It would have felt good to just blow someone off today.  Tell that person to take a hike, that I am not taking any crap from him, especially if I am not being paid for any of their crap.  But of course, I can't.  That's not the real me and that is not who God wants me to be.  Yes, it's a struggle to know God and know what He wants me to do when every fiber of your being just wants to do the wrong thing.  

To let off a little more steam, I cooked Pad Thai and the result is the best tasting pad thai I have ever cooked.  After I cooked, I had knives, pots and pans everywhere and before my mom can nag me about the mess I made, I told her, 'don't tell me about the mess I made because I will clean it up. I will enjoy my food and then clean up.'  She knew I was in a foul mood.  She didn't say anything. 

Now I'm enjoying a glass of wine, which for sure, will be followed by another glass, then maybe sleep will come faster than before and I will wake up and these feelings will just be a distant memory.